Today is my 3rd day since i came back from kl and today is also my 1st day back at work. I cant seem to concentrate on my work..and still cant forget him. Life sucks!! Am again going clubbing tonite and probably get drunk and trying damn hard not to miss or think of him. Which I know it's not going to be easy, not even sure whether i can do it. No wonder people say loving someone can kill yourself.
I cant think straight, i cant go on like this. Im torturing myself, my mind and my soul. Nothing seems to go the right way and nothing seems to work out the way I wanted it to. Love is just so unpredictable and unfair. The whole world is just so grey and dull to me. Nothing can prove it wrong, nothing can make me strong.
I was searching through my old mobile last night, and there I found his picture. I missed him even more then. It's like wherever I go, I see him everywhere. But it was only in my mind. I think I'm having doubt in my mentality ability now. I know I am going crazy and I am not my usual self anymore. What can I do to be happy? Where can i find myself back? I must confess that I am mentally and emotionally ill. And Im bitting my own nerves taking up all my courage here to publish this out in my blog... and people will definately think differently of me after they read this...yes I am sure.
Life is so weird, always full of curiosity but yet disappointing in time when the truth has been discovered. It is the same with human behaviour and human feelings. Some people can be so faked and pretend to be someone else, some can be demanding and cruel, some can be so fragile and some can be so over the top. Moderately, people tend to so damn sickening. We could never understand each other that well no matter how close we are together. At least I cant understand how he can be so passionate and intimate with me that moment, and the next minute, he can be so cold and feelingless towards me. Is it only intimacy that he is looking for despite telling me that he do have feelings for me? Is it a lie? How could he do this to me? Not even a call or text from him till now. MEN...MEN...MEN... men are all the same. Never a word from them can be trusted. Love happily ever after only happens in fairy tales...
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Especially for you... my dearest prince..
Time goes by so slowly without you by my side,
The night is long without your hugs and kisses,
The moon and stars are not shinning brightly as if its a sign of missing you,
The day is filled with cloudy sky when we are apart,
Nothing seems right from the day I left.
The moment we had was too short,
The memories we had was too deep,
You took away my rainbow, my sunshine,
My tears flowed down my cheeks turning into a river of sorrow,
My heart bleed to death.
I never realised how much I love you,
Until the day I last saw you.
I can never sing my heart out anymore,
I have lost the music in my life,
I have left my soul with you,
I gave you all my love and left with an empty heart.
I miss you and love you dearly,
Only if you can see and feel my love,
You have too many choices,
And I know, it will never be me,
But I'll be waiting for you to love me and be with me,
Will be waiting for the day to come again...
Perhaps my next visit to see you soon...
The night is long without your hugs and kisses,
The moon and stars are not shinning brightly as if its a sign of missing you,
The day is filled with cloudy sky when we are apart,
Nothing seems right from the day I left.
The moment we had was too short,
The memories we had was too deep,
You took away my rainbow, my sunshine,
My tears flowed down my cheeks turning into a river of sorrow,
My heart bleed to death.
I never realised how much I love you,
Until the day I last saw you.
I can never sing my heart out anymore,
I have lost the music in my life,
I have left my soul with you,
I gave you all my love and left with an empty heart.
I miss you and love you dearly,
Only if you can see and feel my love,
You have too many choices,
And I know, it will never be me,
But I'll be waiting for you to love me and be with me,
Will be waiting for the day to come again...
Perhaps my next visit to see you soon...
Trip to KL....
I just came back from KL on 8th April 2008.... it has been quite a remarkable trip for me... or should i say... truly a trip to remember... an experience that i didn't plan at all... which of course it was fun and a bit complicated as well... but it was sure adventurous... did something really crazy and something which i'm not suppose to do....but did it anyhow... i just cant control myself and my feelings for that special person... known him for about 8 years... and there he was.... so special and so fun to be around with... totally cool..
It is always true of what people say... good things never last forever... but at least we had a memory to share together... which i know he will never get to see my blog here... but this is the only place for me to jot down my memories with him... knowing the fact that it is very impossible to be with him for several reasons...but i'm still keeping my faith to be with him... or at least well, to love him but not to behold of him... Anyhow, really wish that i could be selfish and be with him... but i cant do that to him...because i love him too much and i cant stand to see him suffer to make decisions...decisions that would hurt all of us...especially hurting himself the most.....the only thing for me to do is to let him go and wish him all the happiness he could have to save his marriage and the most important to save himself... to give him strenght to be back himself...someone who he really is and not to push himself too much to pretend to be someone else... i really missed him a lot... i missed the time we spent together... the serious talks we had, the time we shared our problems where both our eyes turned red and the experience we shared.... i hope that our fond memories will be in his heart forever as it will be in mine. I treasure the moments we had, the talks we had, the trust and faith i have in him... the pain of missing him that i bear everyday, the tears i shed for him, the drunk nites of thinking of him too much, the feelings of impossible love, the journey of unforgettable moments with him and the words from him telling me not to forget to eat and take good care of myself. its just too much for me to type here... my god... the 2 days we spent together was like 2 months... the time we had was very short but he sure crafted a very deep memory in my heart, my mind and my soul.. sometimes i really asked myself what has he done to my life, i just cant stop thinking of him..i cant stop missing some one's husband... what have i done? what am i doing? why is it happening? why do i still want to love him when i know i cant steal other woman's husband.. i cant wreck their marriage... but only god knows why... the dilemma is so sickening and complicating... i cant lie to myself anymore.... i must admit that i really have fallen in love with him... how i wish that he will turn into an angel and save me from hell now... this is really hell for me... i cant breathe nor live.. it's killing me.. i'm such a bitch that i cant let him know how important he is to me and how he can complete my life and fill up my loneliness... im hurting myself so badly but at the same time, i cant let him know that i'm goin through hell... i can no longer deal with this anymore... i'm gonna explode any time now...oh god please help me....i'm drowning in my own pool of guilts and pains...
It is always true of what people say... good things never last forever... but at least we had a memory to share together... which i know he will never get to see my blog here... but this is the only place for me to jot down my memories with him... knowing the fact that it is very impossible to be with him for several reasons...but i'm still keeping my faith to be with him... or at least well, to love him but not to behold of him... Anyhow, really wish that i could be selfish and be with him... but i cant do that to him...because i love him too much and i cant stand to see him suffer to make decisions...decisions that would hurt all of us...especially hurting himself the most.....the only thing for me to do is to let him go and wish him all the happiness he could have to save his marriage and the most important to save himself... to give him strenght to be back himself...someone who he really is and not to push himself too much to pretend to be someone else... i really missed him a lot... i missed the time we spent together... the serious talks we had, the time we shared our problems where both our eyes turned red and the experience we shared.... i hope that our fond memories will be in his heart forever as it will be in mine. I treasure the moments we had, the talks we had, the trust and faith i have in him... the pain of missing him that i bear everyday, the tears i shed for him, the drunk nites of thinking of him too much, the feelings of impossible love, the journey of unforgettable moments with him and the words from him telling me not to forget to eat and take good care of myself. its just too much for me to type here... my god... the 2 days we spent together was like 2 months... the time we had was very short but he sure crafted a very deep memory in my heart, my mind and my soul.. sometimes i really asked myself what has he done to my life, i just cant stop thinking of him..i cant stop missing some one's husband... what have i done? what am i doing? why is it happening? why do i still want to love him when i know i cant steal other woman's husband.. i cant wreck their marriage... but only god knows why... the dilemma is so sickening and complicating... i cant lie to myself anymore.... i must admit that i really have fallen in love with him... how i wish that he will turn into an angel and save me from hell now... this is really hell for me... i cant breathe nor live.. it's killing me.. i'm such a bitch that i cant let him know how important he is to me and how he can complete my life and fill up my loneliness... im hurting myself so badly but at the same time, i cant let him know that i'm goin through hell... i can no longer deal with this anymore... i'm gonna explode any time now...oh god please help me....i'm drowning in my own pool of guilts and pains...
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A Boring Day After A Long Stressed Day
It has been an extremely stressful, tiring and busy week for me at work. Busy cleaning other people's shit and dirty job but still, all the credit goes to my superior who is such a bitch and she is so capable to make the entire office to hate her like mad. Sometimes I just wonder how could she live like this, taking people's credit for something that she doesn't even know how to handle. Not to mentioned my big boss who is so bias and blind to see who actually does the work and who actually is good at her work..... still, like I mentioned before, if it wasn't for the pay, I wouldn't be stuck here way long ago.
Things aint fair in this world. What have becoming to me? The hate in me for her is too hard for me to control, I have lost my senses to the surroundings that have been around me for god knows how long. Now I understand and know the meaning of the power of evil. It can cost such huge impact in one's life no matter how good the way they were brought up.
While I was typing this down in my blog, I remembered a poetry I wrote when I was in college, it is called "The Sword of The Devil". I wrote it when I found out that my then boyfriend fell in love with my best friend and they both cheated on me. The poetry goes like this:-
THE SWORD OF THE DEVIL
How could she do this to me?
How could she put our 19 years friendship in vain?
Her heart was once an angel,
Her voice was once a joy,
Her soul was once so sincere,
But now she had turn evil,
And wounded my heart with the devil's sword.
Nothing breaks me so badly,
Not even when he cheated on me,
But it is my dearest best friend,
The one who I shared all my stories with,
The one who I have put my trust on,
The one who had betrayed me,
And the one who had hurt me most.
Now I see clearly,
The power of the devil,
That can change an angel to a devil,
That can make a rainbow change grey,
And the sword that the devil possses,
Kill and send a shock right through the center of the heart,
And tear it into pieces,
That is the power of the sword of devil,
The sword that killed my pride and soul.
Things aint fair in this world. What have becoming to me? The hate in me for her is too hard for me to control, I have lost my senses to the surroundings that have been around me for god knows how long. Now I understand and know the meaning of the power of evil. It can cost such huge impact in one's life no matter how good the way they were brought up.
While I was typing this down in my blog, I remembered a poetry I wrote when I was in college, it is called "The Sword of The Devil". I wrote it when I found out that my then boyfriend fell in love with my best friend and they both cheated on me. The poetry goes like this:-
THE SWORD OF THE DEVIL
How could she do this to me?
How could she put our 19 years friendship in vain?
Her heart was once an angel,
Her voice was once a joy,
Her soul was once so sincere,
But now she had turn evil,
And wounded my heart with the devil's sword.
Nothing breaks me so badly,
Not even when he cheated on me,
But it is my dearest best friend,
The one who I shared all my stories with,
The one who I have put my trust on,
The one who had betrayed me,
And the one who had hurt me most.
Now I see clearly,
The power of the devil,
That can change an angel to a devil,
That can make a rainbow change grey,
And the sword that the devil possses,
Kill and send a shock right through the center of the heart,
And tear it into pieces,
That is the power of the sword of devil,
The sword that killed my pride and soul.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Piece of my mind....feb 2008
It has been 7 months now since I started work with my current workplace... the job sucks but the pay is not that bad... so, what more can i ask for rite...? But still, i feel like like an empty soul in my shell... going thru every single day pretending as if nothing happened and i'm over it already. Obviously, i still cry almost every night inside my room when everyone else is asleep. This is the third year now, the separation with my so-called 'ex-husband' is still hanging without a solution. Although we dont talk and see each other anymore, but still, we have not really filled for a divorce yet. My feelings for him has never changed and i just dont know why i still love him after all the bad things i've gone thru with him. But, I think that we both know that we have tried everything to save our marriage and there is nothing more that we can do now, probably, our destiny had ended.
I know he hates me like hell and I hate him too but at the same time, the love just wont go away. Maybe its because of Annabelle, my little 4 year old princess. I dont want her to be brought up in a broken family, its not fair for her to carry the burden from our mistake. It is not easy to be a single mother where i'm not getting any money from him for Annabelle's expenses and no one to turn to in case of any emergencies. The most hurtful part is when Annabelle asks for her father and I cant give him to her. I just have to be both her mother and father at all times. Im still learning how to survive in this long and painful struggle....
I know he hates me like hell and I hate him too but at the same time, the love just wont go away. Maybe its because of Annabelle, my little 4 year old princess. I dont want her to be brought up in a broken family, its not fair for her to carry the burden from our mistake. It is not easy to be a single mother where i'm not getting any money from him for Annabelle's expenses and no one to turn to in case of any emergencies. The most hurtful part is when Annabelle asks for her father and I cant give him to her. I just have to be both her mother and father at all times. Im still learning how to survive in this long and painful struggle....
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
YEAH!!!
hey hey... my 1st ever blog!!! yeah!!!! i finally did it!!!! after so long exploring the bloody simple page..!!! so happy... but bored to death!!
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